Bureaucracy

I don’t like losing. Not in the sense that I’m so competitive, but more that I don’t like when things aren’t set right. Which is funny coming from a girl with a self-diagnosed confrontation phobia.

I have a hard time with misunderstandings. I want to set it all right. I like to give second chances. I don’t want anyone to think badly of my intentions or actions, nor do I want to mis-see that of others. All my life I’ve had this invisible wall or barrier of what can or can’t be said. I’m not sure where it came from. I’m not sure if other people have their own. Somehow I made myself believe it’s better to tiptoe around the elephant in the room than address a problem or ask for better. I became aware of my tendency to “stuff” my emotions or true feelings about a situation in college but now I’m beginning to see more of the veiled way I navigated around people, situations, friendships, hurts, mistaken words. I may have expressed how I was thinking and feeling to friends but rarely would I address situations head on.

And why not? This barrier I had constructed in my mind was simply imaginary. I’m trying not to quote John Mayer but all I can think of is “say what you need to say” (I’m sure other people throughout history have said this phrase before him, so I think I’m safe from copyright infringement). Do what you need to do. People are much more important than the bureaucracy of red tape that we impose (or maybe it’s just me), draping around certain topics and conversations because we envision that these are barriers that must be maintained to sustain the current status quo. But that’s just the issue, is that problems don’t get better and people don’t change and relationships don’t grow if not done purposefully.

Recently I tied all the loose ends I could think of relationally in my life. It was awkward, it felt strange, and yet it was freeing. When I’m on the receiving end of one of those conversations I can appreciate where the other person is coming from now, despite my actual reaction to what is being said. I have learned that a form of courageous conversation needs to take place for things to happen, for doors to close and for friendship to survive.

During this same time a dear friend told me that I’m an intensely loyal friend. I think this goes hand in hand with my “eternally optimistic” outlook on life. Maybe there’s a dash of naivety mixed in as well. Compassion is not a fault. Forgiveness is not a fault. Turning the other cheek is not a fault. But there does come a point where I need to be purposeful and discerning about what actions and words need to transpire, and what needs to be laid to rest.

I just need to do my part, trust, and live the best life I can live. There’s freedom in this truth.

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Romans 12:18